Some time ago I did a post called ’sadness’ in which I opined that being sad was not very nice but most people were at some point or another, sad. And more people read it than any other post that I have done and emailed me and things. Which made me feel happy. And because I have had, in my adult life, periods of intense sadness (not depression dears, not depression), this was very nice. And do you know what? I haven’t felt sad since. In fact I can’t remember the last time that I felt sad, or actually anything other than chipper. Which irritates the hell out of me, so must just slay you. I don’t know why it is, I really don’t. It is discombobulatingly lovely. It’s also not very cool and writerly. I still get grumpy and occasionally obtuse and even rude- at work, with good friends or with my Mum, but I can’t find it in myself to lie around moping, feeling jealous of my friends and thinking that my life was a massive waste of time. Like I used to. I suppose I should own a house in the burbs by now, have kids and enjoy walking the dog in Richmond Park. Settle down, get married find ‘the one’. And that I hadn’t, used to destroy me, make me cry, heave and wail. I wanted that so much. I still do of course, but now I simply know that it will happen at some stage and I am genuinely not in any hurry. It is pointless worrying about it and entirely self destructive. Jealous is the worst of all emotions. In relationships, friendships or professionally. Without being all American-wanky about it, I think that if you manage to eradicate jealousy from your being then you will find it hard not to be inherently happy.
I love my job, I get to do something for money that I would happily do for free. I earn approximately ten grand a year less as a basic salary than when I was all corporate nearly ten years ago but I have almost no stress in my life. I sleep all night and wake up thinking happy thoughts. And I can supplement my income by doing other things that I love, like writing. Its amazing. And the grass isn’t greener any more. It’s perfectly nice and well maintained, but honestly its just a lawn. fairly dull really. I’ve got a sort of vegetable patch with courgettes and possibly asparagus in June.
The term smug married means nothing to me anymore. I don’t want to kill mothers when they bang on about their kids as if they have invented the wheel. I am happy for them and pleased that they have found what they are looking for, I will happily go for dinner with a load of couples and not feel remotely out of place or awkward and I will not any more insist that we all get utterly hammered like we used to because ‘you’ve all changed’. Plus ca change say I maintenant. Life just changes. I was furious when my friend moved out to live with his now wife, I was gutted when everyone started to get married and not go out three times a week. And I would always be the annoying one, forcing peoople to neck shots and demanding FUN.
But now, I just don’t care. I do my thing and if it fits in with the marrieds then great. If it doesn’t, then it couldn’t matter less.
I’m sorry about this post. It’s not very ‘me’ and it will definitely annoy people and I don’t want to be a smug single. I don’t want to be smug anything. I just wanted to say that alls well really and it shouldnt be that we can only pour out our heart about sad things, negative things, BLOG things. Also I think my brain might be a bit befuddled because I might have met someone recently who might be beautiful and funny and smart. And I might like her a lot. And she definitely bloody knows it. Normal service will resume shortly, of this I have no doubt. But I just thought, I’d give it a whirl. A happy blog. And there, my furry little friends, it was.